Why You Keep Sabotaging Yourself (And How to Actually Stop)

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You know that feeling when you finally get a bonus at work, only to have an unexpected bill wipe it out? Or when you’re making real progress in life, then suddenly fall back into destructive habits that undo everything? That invisible force pulling you backward isn’t bad luck. It’s your shadow self, and it’s been running the show without you even knowing.

What Your Shadow Actually Is

Your shadow is everything you can’t comfortably say “I am” to. It’s the parts of yourself you’ve pushed down and away, usually from childhood when you were just trying to survive emotionally. Maybe you became a people pleaser to keep peace in your family. Maybe you developed authority issues because someone was always controlling you. These survival strategies made sense back then, but now they’re sabotaging your relationships, career, and peace of mind.

The tricky part? You don’t consciously remember deciding to be this way. Your subconscious soaked it all in like a sponge, and now those old patterns play out automatically. Every time you find yourself in the same type of toxic relationship or repeating the same mistakes, that’s your shadow at work.

Signs Your Shadow Is Running Wild

When your shadow is out of balance, life feels heavy. You get triggered easily, feel jealous of others without knowing why, and keep running the same loops over and over. You overreact to small things, blame everyone else for your problems, or hide behind labels that explain why you can’t succeed. “I’m just anxious” becomes the reason you can’t start that business. “I have trust issues” becomes why every relationship fails.

Most people spend years in this cycle, thinking they’re broken and need fixing. But shadow work isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about realizing you were never broken in the first place. It’s about integration, not elimination.

The Transformation Starts With Questions

Who makes your eyes roll, and why?

This one stings because it forces you to look at projection. When someone triggers you intensely, you’re often seeing a reflection of something you can’t accept in yourself. That “cringe” person online? Maybe you’re afraid of being seen the same way. That successful person you secretly resent? Maybe you’re jealous because you’re playing small.

When I was making $5K a month after years in business, I called everyone more successful than me a scammer. Turns out, I was just jealous and protecting my ego. Once I named that jealousy, I could actually learn from them instead of hiding behind judgment.

What would an outsider tell you to do?

Step outside yourself for a second. If your best friend came to you with your exact situation, what advice would you give them? It’s easy to see solutions for others but impossibly hard for ourselves because we’re drowning in our own emotions. This outside perspective cuts through all that noise.

What feedback have multiple people given you?

If one person says you smell, maybe they’re weird. If everyone says it, check your shoe. When you keep having falling outs with friends, or multiple exes say the same thing about you, or several bosses mention similar issues, that’s not coincidence. That’s your shadow showing you exactly where the work needs to happen.

What story do you keep telling about yourself?

“I’m the kind of person who…” How would you finish that sentence? These core stories control 80% of what you do. Maybe it’s “I’m not good with money” or “I’m the one who got screwed over” or “I’ll never find someone like them again.” These stories feel true, but they’re just patterns your shadow uses to keep you safe and small.

What are you hiding behind?

For me, it was drinking. It helped me avoid big decisions, numb uncomfortable feelings, and pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t. Maybe yours is scrolling endlessly, binge eating, or staying “too busy” to deal with what really matters. Where in your life are you avoiding being fully seen?

The Real Goal

Shadow integration means accepting every part of yourself without shame or guilt. It means feeling the full range of human emotions without judgment. Anger, sadness, envy – they’re all valid. The goal isn’t to only feel positive emotions. It’s to stop fighting yourself.

When you stop waging an inner civil war against the “bad” parts of you, something shifts. You become lighter, more authentic, less reactive. You break old loops and start acting from choice instead of compulsion. You see yourself in others instead of judging them. You finally feel like you can just be without hiding.

Start by journaling on just one of these questions. Notice what comes up without trying to fix it. Awareness is 80% of the transformation. The rest will follow when you’re ready to stop running from yourself and start welcoming everything you are back home.


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