70% of people want to be more assertive but have absolutely no idea how to do it without becoming the office jerk. I get it. Nobody taught us this stuff in school, and most advice online either turns you into a doormat or a bulldozer.
But what if I told you there’s a middle ground that actually works? A way to stand up for yourself while maintaining great relationships?
What Assertiveness Really Means (Spoiler: It’s Not What You Think)
Most people think being assertive means dominating others or being aggressive. Wrong. True assertiveness is about maintaining respect for both yourself and others while getting your needs met. It’s the sweet spot between being a pushover and being a tyrant.
Think of it this way: assertiveness is like having a respectful conversation where everyone’s needs matter, not a battle where someone has to lose.
The magic happens when you realize that people only walk all over you because you haven’t taught them not to. Harsh? Maybe. But also incredibly empowering because it means you have control over the situation.
The Three-Part Message That Changes Everything
Here’s the game changer that most people mess up completely. When you need to address someone’s behavior, use this simple formula:
“When you [specific behavior], I feel [emotion] because [concrete effect on you].”
For example: “When you play loud music in the office, I feel frustrated because I can’t concentrate on my work.”
Notice what’s missing? Judgment. Character attacks. Dramatic statements about how they’re ruining your entire life.
The key is being crystal clear about the behavior without making it about their character or intentions. Don’t say “When you’re inconsiderate…” Say “When you arrive 30 minutes late to our scheduled meetings…”
Why Your Delivery Matters More Than Your Words
You can have the perfect message, but if you deliver it while staring at your shoes and mumbling, you’re wasting your time. Your body language needs to match your words.
Stand up straight, make eye contact, keep your voice steady, and breathe properly. I know it sounds basic, but most people sabotage their own assertiveness by looking apologetic while trying to set boundaries.
Here’s something nobody tells you: after you deliver your message, shut up. Give them time to process. Don’t fill the silence with backtracking or explanations. Silence is your friend here.
The Pushback Phenomenon (And How to Handle It Like a Pro)
When you start being assertive, people will push back. It’s inevitable. They might get defensive, ask weird questions, or even try to make you feel guilty. This is normal.
Your job isn’t to make them happy about your boundaries. Your job is to maintain them while staying calm and respectful.
Use what I call “reflective listening.” When they respond defensively, reflect back what you’re hearing without judgment. “It sounds like you feel I’m being unfair…” Then, if needed, repeat your original message.
Sometimes it takes 3 to 10 repetitions before people actually change their behavior. Most people give up after the first pushback, which is why assertiveness “doesn’t work” for them.
The Small Things Matter Most
Don’t wait for huge violations to practice assertiveness. Start with the small stuff. That coworker who borrows your stapler and never returns it? That friend who’s always 20 minutes late? These “little” things build up into massive resentment over time.
Addressing small issues prevents big explosions later and helps you build your assertiveness muscles in lower-stakes situations.
Your Assertiveness Toolkit
Remember, you can also use this framework for positive feedback: “When you helped me prepare for that presentation, I felt supported because it showed you genuinely care about my success.”
And sometimes you need quick assertiveness. If someone’s behavior needs to stop immediately, try: “Stop [behavior]. I understand you feel [emotion], and that’s okay, but [behavior] isn’t acceptable.”
The Bottom Line
Assertiveness isn’t about being mean or demanding. It’s about honest communication that respects everyone involved. It’s about teaching people how to treat you while maintaining great relationships.
The best part? It works 99% of the time when done correctly. Sure, there’s always the risk of conflict or someone not liking your boundaries, but the alternative is building up resentment until you explode or becoming someone you don’t recognize.
Start small, practice the three-part message, expect pushback, and stay consistent. Your relationships will actually get stronger, not weaker, when you start communicating clearly and respectfully about your needs.
What’s one boundary you’ve been avoiding that you could address this week using the three-part message? Pick something small and give it a try. Your future self will thank you.
If this post sparked a thought, shifted your mindset, or gave you something meaningful — don’t let it end here.
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